


your brain turns to mush

by spaloon



Category: Night In The Woods (Video Game)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-14
Updated: 2018-04-16
Packaged: 2018-10-31 19:44:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 9,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10906197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spaloon/pseuds/spaloon
Summary: AKA. Little Shitty Maebea Thingsa collection of little drabbles my friend writes but is too shy to post herself (:





	1. Appreciate the Classics

**Author's Note:**

> Mae and Bea vs. Terrible Movie Opinions

You never really had guests up here. Not when you were a kid, and you hope not when you were gone either. The idea of someone in your room, touching your things, regarding your taste in wall decorations... it gives you the skeeves. Big time. Unless it was like, mom or dad or something, you guess.  
  
Bea had gone to the effort of dragging a stool all the way up stairs so your laptop wouldn’t burn another hole in your jeans. You had insisted you could do it yourself, but, heck- you’re not much taller then the damn ass rester, so it probably wasn’t the ordeal for her it would’ve been for you. Curse your tiny legs to death! 

“See, this old-timey stuff just isn’t scary. I can literally see a guy holding up the mic right there!” 

“Beebee you gotta appreciate the classics. Back in my day, we didn’t have fancy schmancy computer pictures, just buckets of pig blood and random hot girls off the street.” 

Bea snorted. “Alright, calm down grandma. We have the same 'back in the day', and I’m just saying, CGI can do a lot that practicals can’t.“ 

You pause the movie. As much as you wanna watch the scythe man killer _(is it named after the man with a scythe who kills or the man who kills the scythe man???)_ kill again for the 100th time, this transgression can not stand.

"What? Bea, no, CGI is like, the worst ever of all time? Forever?” 

Bea crossed her arms. “Didn’t you see _Dandelionfield_ , or like, the new _Lordasaurus?_ You think that they could’ve done that with practical effects? Get with the future Maeday, times are changing. It's not _y2k_ anymore.” 

No. No now she goes to far. “Dude. My dude. My very special dude up until this very moment. _Dandelionfield_ eefing sucked.” 

Bea looks absolutely aghast at the truth you just dropped on her. Maybe she’s come to her senses and movie night can continue. “ _You_ eefing suck, _Dandelionfield_ was great! That found footage style- who else had done that before? And the big ass kaiju at the end?” Okay. You will admit, the monster looked rad as heck. 

“Uhhhhhh excuse you but the _Mayor Witch Project_ did found footage first? And it was like, the scariest best thing ever? Like _pee your pants for hours_ scary?” 

“Oh, really? I never saw that one. Kinda sounded dumb. I mean, a Witch Mayor?” 

Your jaw practically drops off your skull and drills into the earths core and ruptures space and explodes the sun. “You've never seen _Mayor Witch?!_ Oh my god. _Oh my god.”_

“What?” 

“Oh my god _screw_ this entry level normie bullshit.” 

Bea snorts again. 

“We are watching that shit right now. Hold on- I got the DVD right here. Oh my god. Bea. You’re gonna have _S C A R S.”_

* * *

 

You fell asleep at some point, you don't remember. Damn your tiny tired frame, can’t even keep you going for what may well have been the most important work you’d ever do. You peek one eye open, and notice through the blurry crack in your vision the movie is paused. Right before it got really spooky. Damnit, when the world needed you most to spread this good word, you let it down. 

Looking past the monitor, you notice Bea putting her shoes back on, and getting up to leave. She starts to turn back to you, so you quickly shut your wandering eye, and feign deep sleep. You feel her hands touch you, and you begin to wonder if you should say something. Its. Kinda weird being repositioned while still awake? Really unnatural feeling. Waking life was not meant to know this sensation. You feel her pull the covers up, and you relax. Your mission was ultimately unsuccessful, and heck, you don't think you even won the argument? But still. It was pretty fun. 

But then you feel her kiss your forehead, and your brain turns to mush. 

“Goodnight, Maeday.”


	2. Why Are You Screaming?

So. _Here again, huh?_

 The waning moon stares down on you, like a big, stupid eye. The stars float in front of it, which is even dumber. Everything about this is _stupid_. You killed all those dads, and told a goat to fuck off, so why are you back here?

 No. _Wait._ This doesn't feel the same. You don't remember ever feeling cold.

_"Auuuuugghhhhh!!!"_ You fall to your knees, grasping your head. You feel like your skull is splitting in half, like you had five too many donuts and downed it with a beer keg. You hold your hands infront of your face, and you're horrified to see a black shadow struggling to peel away. You look all around you, to see you're surrounded by shadows. Shades, with no one casting them. They don't have eyes, but you can feel them staring. You feel your consciousness trying to leave your body, and for a moment, you are staring at yourself.

 But then it passes. The shadow is no longer tearing itself away. You'd be relieved, but in that moment, the ground opens up beneath your feet, and you are falling. Falling, falling, falling.

 Or maybe it'd be more accurate to say you're sinking. You pass by more shades as you descend, floating away from you, like dead bodies in a still lake. These don't regard you... you don't think. You try to fight back upwards, out of this dream, maybe. But at this point you know it isn't a dream, and the current is too strong. And you are dragged lower still.

 The cosmos gives out, the stars collapse around you into infinity, becoming white streaks through the void. They are falling with you, towards the center. And then, the stars end.

 And then, you are alone. No shades. No anything. Your brain screams for some kind of sensation, it panics in the face of nothing. Not darkness, but true _nothing._ The absence of everything.

 But then there is something. Impossibly large, with eyes turned inward. None of them pointed at you, but all of them seeing you. And for a moment, you swear its smiling.

 And then you feel _everything_.

 

 And then you feel nothing.

 You wake with a start and scream. You scream and scream, and you grab your blanket and you hold it tight and you scream. You scream just to hear the sound. You scream so there is something instead of an eternity of nothing.

 Bea bolts up from where she was sleeping on a blow up mattress on the floor, worry and fear written all over her face. "Mae, what's wrong, why are you screaming?"

You don't stop until she starts shaking you. Until you run out of air in your lungs. Your throat hurts, and you feel exhausted. After a few minutes of her holding you while you catch your breath, you finally speak up.

"Oh. Heh, sorry, it was just a bad dream."


	3. Tastes Like The Sea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you or a loved one have been diagnosed with existential dread you may be entitled to financial compensation

You've been up for a few minutes now, and you finally catch your breath. You feel like your throat is on the verge of bleeding, but Bea went downstairs to get you a drink, so at least relief was coming.

 "Geez.... That was a rough one...." You cough in between the words, throat still hoarse from the longest scream you let out since the flood washed away that old hotdog stand.

 "Hey, I got you some chocolate milk, I hope that's Okay." Bea crests the top of the steps, mug in tow. It has a picture of a little cat hanging from a tree, and you hate its smug patronizing ceramic.

 "Yeah, who doesn't like chocolate milk?"

 She hands the cup to you. "Animals and felons." 

 "Yeah, no. if I couldn't enjoy milk of the chocolate variety I'd probably go down a dark path too."

 "God clearly abandoned you, so really, why not?" Bea sits beside you on your futon, and scootches close. "So."

_"So...."_

 "Bad dream, huh?"

 "Yeah. Like, _mega bad."_

 "What was it about?"

 "Uh. Well... I.... Dreamt about being in the hole again."

 "Oh. Well. I mean it was some pretty effed up stuff, it'd be really weird if you didn't have nightmares every now and again."

 You shift uncomfortably. "No. No, it wasn't a dream. I was there again. Like when I first saw that guy kidnap that kid."

 Bea shoots a really worried look your way. "Wait. You've been in the hole???"

 "Yeah? Or, I mean, not really? I mean my body is still out here. I just. Dream myself into it, and I'm there, but I'm also still here, sleeping."

 Bea is quiet for a while longer then is natural. "So. What's it... _like_ in there?" You could've sworn you already told her about the freaky dreams, and she never asked this before, so you're honestly a little surprised.

 "Huh, well, uh..... Its like.... _Uh...."_

 "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."

 You shake your head. "It's not that I don't want to. Its like it doesn't want to be remembered. Like, the memory is trying to forget itself, or something. Effin wish my other memories would do that, would love to have to struggle to remember pasta barfing on myself in a trash can." Bea tries to cover her mouth but the vestige of a laugh still creeps out. "But um. Let's see.... Its really weird, in there. Its like, space is right over my head, and its exploding all the time? And there's a moon behind space, and its huge, and it always looked like a big creepy eye? Its like if the universe was directed by Matthew Bay."

 "Only probably still 10x less shitty."

 "Oh, yeah, definitely. I'd rather ride my ass into cosmic hell then watch those crappy movies again."

_"Definitely."_

 You look off to the corner of your room, trying to refocus on the subject. " Anyway.... And like. There are these shades all over the place. Most of the time they ignore me, but sometimes I feel like they see me. Most of the time I don't recognize them, but sometimes I do."

 "Ominous."

 "I could've sworn I saw Casey floating down there. Or, at least his shadow."

 "Oh, shit, that's... _Really_ messed up. I'm sorry."

 "No its Okay, I don't think they're really there, the shade people. I think they might have been at some point, but its not them anymore."

 "God, Mae. this place sounds really fucked up."

 "Well it wouldn't be a Mae story if I didn't tell you that it gets even worse." You really search your thoughts for this one. Its all scrambled, and jumbled, and god Bea has her arm around you and its making it really hard to focus _you useless homo_. "Last night I think I went the deepest yet. And there was like. Nothing."

 "Nothing?"

 "Literally nothing. Not a single thing at all. You think nothing is something right, so there is something there, but even nothing wasn't there."

 "How can nothing be absent from the nothing?"

 "I don't know! But it was. And it was horrifying. And I screamed. And then I saw... Something. And then I woke up."

 "What'd you see?"

 "I don't know. But it tasted like the sea."

 "Well _that's_ not a super creepy and irrelevant detail to throw in."

 You give her a smile. "I think it really makes the whole thing read better, real spooky end for Mae's bad brain story volume.... What. This is at least 5 right?"

 "At least."

 You nuzzle into her a bit, glad that you can stop thinking about that place now and your brain can go back to being as close to normal as it usually is. As you get more comfortable, you let out the slightest purr, despite yourself, and you swear you can see Bea's face get a bit redder. "Hey Bea?"

 "Yeah?"

 "Why do you only hold me like this when me or a loved one have been diagnosed with existential dread?"

 "No, I _definitely_ hold you when you're feeling regular garden variety dread too."

  _"Touchey..."_

 "*Touché"


	4. Out of This World

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mae and Bea vs. The Legitimacy of Sex at Band Camp

 You kick your idling feet up on the counter, waiting for Bea to finish getting ready for closing. Your job at the ol Pickaxe has been going real well lately, and Bea says shes real proud you haven't blown anything up yet. You even got your own Official Pickaxe Polo™ and everything!

 Although, now that you think about it, you're the only worker who wears one? And its just an American Eagle shirt? Actually, was this just a ploy to get you to finally change your shirt? _Clever girl..._

 "Alright, I think we're all ready to close for the night."

 "Sweet." You hop off the counter and give your achey joints a good stretch. "So Beebee, got any plans tonight?"

 She grabs a bottle of cherry fiascola from the fridge and takes a few sips. "No, I'm pretty clear for the night. No one needs any work done, and if they did, well, its too late and they can suck it."

 "Hell yeah!"

 "No but actually if someone did call I'd still have to head out." She fumbles with her key ring for a second, trying to get the right one. No one should have so many keys as to require a key ring. It just ain't right. "Anyway, why, do you got any ideas?"

 "Well uh. How do I put this..." She starts taking another swig of her soda. "I was thinking we could like. Go back to my house and like. _Bang."_ And suddenly you're coated in a cherry, sticky geyser as she violently spits out her drink.

 You wipe her spittle and soda out of your eyes. "Eugh, god, I thought spit takes were just fake sitcom crap."

 "Sorry, but like, _excuse me??!?!!?"_

 "I mean, you know, I just, think it'd be neat! Regular people in regular relationships do it all the time right? Geez, you're kinda making me feel a little embarrassed."

 "Oh _sorry,_ I wasn't the one who was just asked to fuck in her place of work!"

 Your mouth begins to curl down to a frown. ".....So is that a no?" Bea grabs a roll of paper towels from under the counter for you, and you start to towel off.

 "Its more like a _'what the heck brought this up out of nowhere on a Wednesday night'."_

 You shrug. "I dunno, I was just thinking, like. New experiences can be fun right? For both of us! Like shoplifting for the first time! Except like, I hope you won't make me say sorry to my mom afterwards."

 "Uh, you already know I've had sex before, so it wouldn't be my first also."

 "Yeah but that was at Math Camp. Sex doesn't count at math camp. That's like a law. I'm making that a law."

 Bea squints her eyes at you for a second. "No, yeah, that's fair."

 "So.... What do you say? I've even done my research, so I'm a qualified sexpert by now."

 She raises an eyebrow. "Oh, so _that's_ why you rented _'Lesbian Goth Bitches from Outer Space.'"_

 "Wh-"

 "Angus told me."

 "That traitor!"

 "Alright. Alright fine. Sure."

 "Really?! Oh man, you're in for a treat, my moves are _out of this world!!"_

 "Was that a quote from the porno?"

 "...... Maybe....."

 

* * *

 

 

You look back at Bea, and she sternly points you forward.

"Hey, mom."

"Yes, sweetie?"

"I uh. Wanted to say sorry."

"Sorry about what? Is this about everything from before, because-"

"No its because uh. I um. I fucked my girlfriend underneath your roof."

"..."

"Like really hard. She said it was really good."

"It was pretty good Mrs. Borowski."

".... Is this what all the kids online call trolling? Are you doing a trolling to me?"


	5. What's the World Coming To?

You give her door a couple knocks, but don't get a response. You try again, still nothing. You try knocking to the tune of one of those crappy good songs you can't play, but still no answer. You briefly consider breaking out old Ass Beater, but you have no idea where to find a suitable slugger at this hour- and besides, the door finally cracks open.  
  
"...Hello?" She peaks out of the crack, and sees you. For a second, it almost looks like she's gonna slam the door back in your face, but finally she slowly opens the door. "Oh... hey Mae, what're you doing here?"  
  
You just barge in through the open door, uninvited, like some kind of animal. "Well, I showed up for work and the door was locked! And I even remembered to pull instead of push this time, but it just wouldn't budge."  
  
"Oh, yeah. Sorry, I should've messaged saying I wasn't gonna be opening today..."  
  
"A day where I show up to work and you _don't?"_  
  
Bea gives a half-hearted chuckle. Heck, maybe even a quarter hearted. It wasn't a very hearted expression of bemusement. "What's the world coming too."  
  
You throw your arms up into the air. "I know right!!!" You find yourself onto a nice little low chair, and take a well undeserved rest. "... So what's wrong? Are you sick or something?"  
  
"No, I'm fine, I just..."  
  
"Hey, where's your dad? I haven't seen him around lately." Usually the old man is firmly planted in the dent in the couch. Or you'd assume anyway, from what Bea said (and your one time actually visiting her apartment) that's what you've gathered.  
  
"... I don't know."  
  
"Oh, does he usually just disappear? I didn't really ever see him around town, I thought he was a bit of a hermit."  
  
"No. He doesn't." Something feels... _Off_ about the way she's talking.  
  
"Did. Did something happen between you two?"  
  
You can see her clench her fists until it looks like some of the scales are about to pop off. "No. Everything's fine, Mae." Well that just sealed the deal on everything _not_ being fine.  
  
"What's wrong? People who are perfectly fine don't grit their teeth when they're saying they're fine- did you guys have a fight?" Maybe you're pushing this a bit too hard.  
  
"Everything's perfectly good, okay!! He just wandered off or something, everything's good and _fine!_ Just because I haven't seen him since I followed you down into that _fucking mine_ doesn't mean anything! Its just a big fucking coincidence!"  
  
Oh. Holy shit. _Oh my god._ "Oh my God. You mean... I'm so sorry Bea, I didn't know."  
  
Bea turns on you with a fury in her eyes you've seen too many times since you've came home. "You never fucking know, you.... _You..!!!"_ Tears begin to roll down her cheeks, and she unballs her fists, letting her arms go limp. "... I know its not your fault Mae. He was- He was one of _them._ Maybe he didn't kill anyone, maybe he did."  
  
"Bea, you don't...."  
  
"But he stood by while they threw people in that hole. ... Heh. You remember what they said. This was all too keep the kids and the jobs here right? I guess... My dad was pretty successful in that."  
  
God. This is horrible. "Bea I- I'm _so_ sorry, I don't know what to say, I..." you're at a complete loss for words, for once. What do you say? What can you say? You just give her the biggest hug you can, and she hugs you back. You can feel her tears on the top of your head. "I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Realizing your girlfriend isn't at fault for your dads death, and that it is a result of him getting what's coming to him, is lesbian culture


	6. Heaping Plate of Cat Ass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bea and Mae vs. Past Mistakes vs. Being Nasty All The Time

 

 

 

 

 

You don't know why, but long car rides always make you sleepy. Maybe it's something to do with the hum of the engine. Thank God you don't need to ever have to worry about driving, you'd probably end up falling asleep and going through someone's windshield. Which, considering where you're heading, might actually be the Good End.

"Are you sure about this?"

When Bea asked if you wanted to go to another fancy party with her, you were all for it. A chance to rub your ass all up against your girlfriend and be in public so she can't slap you for it? Sign you the heck up. But now that you've given it even _one_ single thought, you're beginning to feel like its a bad idea.

"Yeah, it'll be fun. I'll finally get to see your 'sick moves' you won't shut up about."

"They are pretty damn slick yeah... I just mean. Aren't you worried, because of last time, and everything?"

"Eh. Everyone's probably forgotten by now. Might not even be the same people."

"No I mean. I think I made Jackie hate me even more than she already hated me. Which was probably a high tier of hate, to begin with. Are you sure she's gonna be cool with me showing up?" You'd hate to be blocked at the gate like some kind of loser idiot while everyone's having a good time and learning secret handshakes.

"Oh no, she's probably gonna burning up inside. But she'll just have to keep it to herself, won't she?" Well, at least she's honest.

"Geez. It must've been a huge shock when you told her I jumped your bones."

Bea snickered, or something adjacent to a snicker. Kinda just exhaling in mild bemusement, really. "Oh yeah, she went off the deep end about how bad an idea it was. Guess you weren't her first pick for 'Bea's Bachelor.'"

"I don't see why not, I'm an effin' stud."

"Yeah, _sure."_

"Some people just need to mind their own business."

Bea shrugged her shoulders. "I can't really blame her. The start of our beautiful friendship _was_ shit talking a certain asscat."

"Oh, really?" _Hey Mae, this is my best friend. Our interests include thinking you're a big dumb shit and also Ankhs. Love that Anubis._

"Yeah, it was right around when you stopped talking to me that me and Jackie hit it off. We were into a lot of the same stuff, and at the time we both were at about the same level of not liking you much."

"Geez..."

"Oh, sorry. Obviously you won me back over, and then some. But actually, that reminds me..." Oh no. Here comes another round of _'Why where you an asshole that one time?'_ Everyone in towns favorite bi weekly game. "Why did you stop hanging around anyway?" _Fuckin called it._

"Oh, geez, uh, I dunno,,, it was a long time ago..." You get the impression from the look on her face that she isn't really too satisfied with that answer.

"Oh. I guess I thought it'd have to be something big to tear us apart." Aw damnit, you upset her. Shit.

"No- its not nothing, it's just... The big shitty downward slide of my life had just started, even before all the beating a kid half to death junk, and, I dunno. My grades were slipping, my attitude was just bad, I was doing _Crimes..._  I was scared of dragging you down with me. And I knew if I didn't do anything, you'd gladly hang on for the ride, so... I thought it'd be best to make a clean break."

After a few moments of tense silence, Bea finally speaks up. "Well, I guess that's a good reason. I mean, don't get me wrong, its dumb as hell-"

"Agreed."

"- but. I get it. As long as you learned your lesson."

"Oh no don't worry, you're gonna need every power tool at your disposal to get me off you now. Besides, things are on the way back up now! I mean, I've got a job, I've got a great and hot girlfriend, and I'm going to a party where I'm gonna shake my ass at my girlfriend, embarrassing them in front of all the hot college people!!!"

"Oh god."

"Maybe grind up against her. Maybe purr and moan a little."

"I regret everything."

You sinisterly rub your hands together like an anime villain. "You're about to get so much cat ass you'll choke on it. Too Death."

 


	7. Fifty First 'Bates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mae and Bea vs. A Comedy Actors Rapidly Failing Career

"Yeah. Yeah I'm at Bea's. Yeah, it came in really quick huh? No, I wouldn't get blown away, I'm not that small, geez. Uh huh. Yeah, I'm gonna probably stay here tonight. Can't really get out unless I go out the window. Uh huh. I love you too mom. _Mom._ Mom no, that's gross. Okay I'm hanging up now. Okay, Bye. I love you too. Bye."  
  
You hang up the phone with a click, and turn to look out the window. Possum Springs always looked pretty in a blanket of snow, but this was more of a 'smothering in a hospital bed with a pillow' of snow. The door was pretty much completely lost to the world underneath it all, stopping anyone from getting in and out of the complex. Which is just as well, you didn't plan on leaving anyway. You return to where you were sitting on the couch, snuggling up to Bea underneath a blanket with a nice cup of cocoa.  
  
As cozy as it all was, the mood didn't even have a chance to exist to be ruined before Bea gave out an exasperated sigh as white noise fills the apartment. "Yep, damnit. There goes the TV."  
  
"Now we'll never know who had the best Longest Night decorations in America."  
  
"They went back to the Johnson's house. They _obviously_ won."  
  
"I guess it'll just be a mystery, lost to time."  
  
"The limo was _literally_ pulling up in front of their house."  
  
"Never to be known."  
  
"Ugh, whatever." The cold comes rushing back in to your just-sealed cover cocoon as Bea gets off the dent she was putting in the couch, and starts heading towards her dads room.  
  
"Where you goin, Beebee?"  
  
"As much as I'd love to sit and watch the paint peel, I think there should be, like a bunch of DVDs in here." She disappears into the room, and after several loud crashes that almost tempted you to get off the couch (but not quite) she returned holding a big box. "Found em." She gently set them on the floor, and started sorting through them. "Hmmm, let's see... _Fuck."_  
  
"What?"  
  
"These are all fuckin. Andrew Handler movies."  
  
"What the fuck?"  
  
"My dad is like. Really into people who aren't funny, I guess. I mean, he was into it."  
  
An awkward silence hangs in the air, until Bea started pulling out a few movies. "Alright let's see... _Liquidboy_..."  
  
"That ones all right."  
  
_"Little Shitty..."_  
  
"Oh me and my granddad used to watch that one all the time! ...He uh. He really regretted exposing me to cuss words at such a young age."  
  
"I bet. Hmmmm.... _Oh my god."_ Bea pulls out one last DVD. " _Fifty First... Bates?_ Is this like... Is this a _porno?_ Wait a second. It's a porn spoof of a Handler movie.... Starring Handler."  
  
"Oh my god."  
  
"Oh my god this is the worst thing I've ever seen. It says he just- He's just cranking it the whole time."  
  
You feel a kind of abstract horror and disgust you have never in your life known. Gods or howling voids couldn't compare to this. "Bea. When I came over here, I thought... Maybe we could have a romantic night together. Maybe cuddle a bit, drink some cocoa, watch some longest nighty TV. But now you have put the thought of Andrew Handler jacking his wrinkled... _Thing..._ In my brain. You have burned that image into my thoughts. You've placed a witches curse on me."  
  
Bea's similar horror, and loss of innocence, is written all over her face. "I'm so sorry, God- now I'm thinking about it too."  
  
You feel like your life is over. Killed by the shriveled sack of a comedian who was never even funny and has a stupid face you hate. There's only one thing left to do. Only one direction your life can go now. "So... we're watching it right?"  
  
Even as you spoke, Bea was already popping in the CD. "Oh no- yeah- _definitely_ we're gonna watch this dumpster fire burn."  
  


* * *

  
  
You take another sip of lukewarm cocoa as an overhyped comedian tries in vain to rub one out. He doesn't look like he's enjoying himself. You almost feel sorry for him. Don't worry bad TV man, you're not enjoying it either. "Man... He sure is going to town on that thing, huh?"  
  
Bea nods. "At this point he's just mashing it. Is this sexy? Are there people out there that think this is sexy?"  
  
"He keeps looking at the camera too. Totally unprofessional."  
  
_"Totally."_


	8. the miracle of motherhood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bea Vs. Being A Young Mother Of 54 In This Economy

"So, Mae, a couple of questions."

"Yeah?"

"Why are we heading to the outskirts of town at 8 at night for one, and two, why didn't we just drive wherever you're taking me. You know, with my car, _that I own."_

You pass by the Party Barn, the inside just barely illuminated by the street light. Ever since someone finally realized the door wasn't locked and just waltzed in to steal all of everyone's band shit, no one had really been in there. You'd be upset about it, but really, good on whoever it was that finally found the bravery to break into a closed down abandoned party store and take all the free shit you could see from the street. Must've taken _real_ courage.

"Well one, 'cause we both have jobs. We work at the same place, you're my actual boss so you should know this."

"Never seen you before in my life."

"And two, its not that far. Besides, what if I'm actually just luring you out of town so I can go kill you to death out in the woods?"

"Please, God, don't just be teasing me, Mae."

"Got a nice hole to leave you in and everything."

"Wow, you really know how to treat a girl."

You continue down the sidewalk, sharing promises of hiring a dark net hitman with bitcoins to kill each other (real romantic stuff) until you reach just outside the Food Donkey.

"Did you drag me all the way out here just to watch you cry about this shitty old store again?"

"No, uh. Actually... I wanted you to meet someone. Or... I guess I should say _someones."_

 __Bea raises an eyebrow your way. "Someone lives in this run down thing?"

"Yeah, it's, uh... My kids." You watch as Bea's mouth hangs open, and after all these weeks, the cigarette that was always precariously perched at the very edge of her snout finally drops to the floor.

"Your- Your.... KIDS?! _YOU HAVE KIDS?!!!?!!!"_

You nervously laugh. "Haha, uh, yeah... I mean, technically, you also have kids now."

"YOU HAVE KIDS THAT LIVE IN A GROCERY STORE????!?! _HOW?!?!!!!"_

"Its a long story." This is going well, you think.

"I... Have _kids?_ Jesus, Mae, I can barely even run a glorified tool shed, I don't know if I can be a mom too... _Fuck_... I thought you said you never had sex before?"

"I haven't!! I mean, until recently I guess but... Here, just follow me. Let me show you." You grab onto Bea's arm, pulling her along with you into the store while she has a mental breakdown about being a mother.

"Well Beebee, say hello to your new stinky children!" You flip on a light switch, revealing a legion of rats. Many go skittering for the shadows, but a brave few souls remain in sight. You wait for some kind of response from Bea, but she is completely silent, like something inside broke. Finally, she turns around and walks out the door.

"I'm going home, and I'm going to tuck this night away as a special treat for my therapist to unwrap 10 years from now."

"Beebee don't be that way in front of our kids!" 

  
"I'm fuckin' done. Goodbye, I'm gone."


	9. Super Duper Straight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bea vs. Heterosexuality

 You open the door to complete silence. Weird, for some reason you were expecting there to be a bell over the door to signal when a customer arrived. But there’s never been one, and why would a hardware and repair store even necessarily need one, anyway. Whatever, you’re not here to think about Bells and the lack there of, you’re here to think about Bea. Or, well you mean talk to her. Believe you me, you think about her more than enough these days.

 “Oh, hey Mae, what’s up? How’s Taco Buck been treating you.”

 You shrug. “Eh, its a living, I guess. I’m just kidding, its terrible. They don't let us even have a free tacos Bea. We make Tacos every day but we just have to hand them away. I’m a broken woman.”

 Bea gives a half-hearted chuckle. “Heh, sounds like you have it rough.”

 You lean against the counter and throw up your arms. “Just another cog is the big crapital machine, right?”

 “Yeah, something like that.”

 You turn around on the counter so your chin in resting on it. Stupid counter for people of average height. “So how’s it going for you?”

 Bea shrugs. “It’s been alright, I guess. Works been slow, like it always is round this time, so I’ve been doing a whole lot of standing here. Went to another of those parties last night. Jackie insisted.”

 “You went to a big college party and didn’t invite me?!”

 “Yeah, Jackie also insisted on that.”

 You put on your best pouty face. “Man, Jackie sucks.”

 “She’s Okay, she just doesn’t know you that well. And also hates you.”

_“Geez.”_

 The clock hits 4, and Bea lets out a sigh of relief to finally be done with the day. You swear you see dust falling off her when she moves from her post behind the register.

 “Well, how’d it go?" you say. "Did you meet any _cute boys_?”

 “Oh, nah, I just danced a while, chatted a few people up, and left. Oh- but your 'Bombshell' was there again.”

 “Woah, really?”

 “Yeah, I think she was hitting on me pretty hard, rolling my name and junk.”

 “Oh yeah, that’s her secret technique. It certainly got my ass.”

 Bea gave a slightly more sincere chuckle. “Yeah, well, her moves didn’t really work on me, she’s not really my type.”

 “Yeah, probably should’ve lead in with the whole _‘hey just so you know I’m super straight’_ spiel. Might’ve saved you and her some time.”

 Bea raises one… Eyelid? At you. Or is she only just squinting with one eye. You’re not sure what emotion this face is trying to express. “I’m not…? I’m just not into girls like her.”

 You nod. “Oh, yeah, I see. Wait….." Suddenly, her words hit you like a brick going 80. "Wait- you’re not straight?!” A customer who had wandered in just to browse brochures turns to look at you two funny, and Bea burrows her face in her hands. Maybe this store does need a door bell thingy after all. "Crap, shit, sorry. I'm just really surprised is all! I thought you were...?"

 Could this mean that, just maybe...? No. No that's still stupid. Stupid Mae.

 The customer finally got the impression that maybe they shouldn't stick around for this conversation, and left.

 Bea sighed, and put out her cigarette. "Well I mean. I used to be, I guess. But now I'm not. Or maybe I never was, but just wanted to be 'normal'?"

 "Why didn't you say something??"

 "I don't know, why would I? I don't have to go yelling at everyone that I'm into girls."

 You put your arms up in the air again. "But that's the best part! Getting to talk about being gay all the time!!!"

 Bea just shrugs. You know, you really shouldn't push this any further, infact, for once, you're gonna show some restraint. Your friend is clearly getting uncomfortable, so its time to drop the subject.

  _"So..._ What is your type of girl then?" God Damnit Mae.

 "Oh, uh, I dunno. She'd have to be shorter then me." Uh huh. "Be really energetic and fun, to balance out my perpetual exhaustion and grim outlook." You see. "And I guess she'd have to have like. Really pretty big eyes. Maybe even red ones, if I was getting specific."

 Yep, sounds nothing like you. "Oh, well that's cool. I dunno if _I'm_ personally that picky. Tell you what, if I meet a girl like out there in the wide world of taco manufacturing and delivery, I'll tell her to hit you up."

 "Oh. Uh. Ok?"

 "Anyway I gotta bolt. I was supposed to be back at work like..." You look up at the clock. "... 15 minutes ago shit. I'll see you later bye!!!"

 You rush out the silent unbebelled door.


	10. Girlfriends, or Something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bea and Mae Vs. The Elusive Gaytor

Back home after an exhausting taco filled day. You reek of misery and seasoned meat, two smells you’ve come to know over the years but never thought you’d ever have to associate with each other. Taco Buck has stolen some of your innocence. You’ll never be able to eat a taco the same way again. Well- you'll still eat them, just not the same way. Swallow that hard shell with just a dash of workingman’s sorrow.  
  
You plop down on your little attic futon, ready to let slip these chains and pass the fuck out, but not before doing your rounds online. You open up your computer, and see a new message from Gregg. But first you click the little turnip to get the Hot News.  
  
 _“Are warm showers ever tightening the cold hand of deaths strangle hold? No more then every single other thing you ever do, insiders say.”  
  
_ Man, this thing never actually tells you anything even remotely useful, huh? Irregardless, let’s see what Ya Boy is up too.  
  
 **Greggrulzok:** Heyyyyyyyy how sit goin?  
 **Greggrulzok:** Heard u got a job  
 **Greggrulzok:** Never thought I see the day  
 **Greggrulzok:** heelo you die in a freak taco accident  
 **Greggrulzok:** Effin eatin all those tacos till you burst like all that weird fetish porn  
  
God there _is_ a lot of weird porn about that kind of stuff, huh?   
  
 **W1tchDagg4h:** Yeah I’m dead in taco hell right now  
  
A couple of dots pop up, signalling that he's awake on the other end. Great, well, guess you won’t be getting to sleep soon.   
  
 **Greggrulzok:** Is taco hell better or wrse then regular hell  
 **W1tchDagg4h:** oh dude its so much worse. They don’t even let you eat any tacos.  
 **Greggrulzok:** oh my god  
 **W1tchDagg4h:** its like they’re forcing me to steal.  
 **Greggrulzok:** its just survival at this point  
 **W1tchDagg4h:** can’t make them money if I starve to death, so really they should be thanking me for my illbegotten tacs  
 **Greggrulzok:** true shit  
  
You briefly consider not talking to him about the bombshell that Bea dropped on you, but then you also consider that you love to talk about shit that’s none of yours or anyone’s business and just be a nuisance all the time.  
  
 **W1tchDagg4h:** yo dude so get this  
 **Greggrulzok:** ye?  
 **W1tchDagg4h:** Bea is like. Super gay  
 **Greggrulzok:** Woah really?  
 **W1tchDagg4h:** yeah dude she told me so  
 **Greggrulzok:** Damnit, there went r token straight friend.   
 **Greggrulzok:** so she just like say hey mae did you know I luv titties  
 **W1tchDagg4h:** basically yeah!!  
 **Greggrulzok:** did she bring up a deep love 4 kitty titties  
 **W1tchDagg4h:** god I wish. I asked her what her type was, you know, like a master sleuth who isn’t at all obvious.  
 **Greggrulzok:** like a effin gay ninja  
 **Greggrulzok:** so whad she say????  
 **W1tchDagg4h:** ugh Dont get too excited it wasn’t me that’s for sure. She said she’s into fun short girls with lots of energy and big red eyes  
 **Greggrulzok:** Dude  
 **W1tchDagg4h:** what?  
 **Greggrulzok:** Duuuuuuuude  
 **W1tchDagg4h:** whaaaaaaat  
 **Greggrulzok:** u have a mirror in your room right  
 **W1tchDagg4h:** yeah?  
 **Greggrulzok:** could u lit stare at it 4 like 5 seconds  
 **W1tchDagg4h:** uh ok  
  
You get up off your ass and walk over to the mirror. You don't get what he's getting at.

Wait… _Wait a second…  
  
_ **W1tchDagg4h:** HOLY SHIT SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT ME  
 **Greggrulzok:**  she was talking about u!  
 **W1tchDagg4h:** dhfghgfhbfghffhfghhh holy shiiiiiit  
 **W1tchDagg4h:** should I like say something to her??????  
 **Greggrulzok:**  i dunno…. maebea you should.  
 **W1tchDagg4h:** this is no time for tomfoolery you effer this is like the most serious shit ever  
 **Greggrulzok:** dude totally go jump those goth bones   
 **Greggrulzok:** like do it right now shes still online  
 **W1tchDagg4h:** ok ok im doing it!!!!  
 **Greggrulzok:** invt me to the wedding  
  
You click out of that chat and move at lightning speed to Bea’s icon. If computers had sound barriers your cursor would’ve shattered that shit.  
  
 **W1tchDagg4h:**  hey Bea, you there?  
  
Alright calm down, take it slow.  
  
 **Beatrice:** Yep. What’s up?  
 **W1tchDagg4h:** Are you gay for me cause like what you said at the store sounded like you were gay for me but I dont wanna jump the gun and it turns out im actually just a big dumb idiot and you arent gay for me at all and ill have to kill Gregg  
  
Smooth as fuckin' _Ice.  
  
_ **Beatrice:** Woah uh  
 **Beatrice:** So you finally picked up on that huh. I wasn’t exactly subtle  
 **Beatrice** : I thought you just had no interest   
  
Oh, Beebee, you don't even _know_ how much interest you have. Fuckin' loansharks are busting down your door and kneecaps right now, you’ve got so much interest.  
  
 **W1tchDagg4h:** Well I never did tell you my type so who knows  
 **Beatrice:** And what’s your type, then?  
 **W1tchDagg4h:**  i dunno… If i had to say, i think it’ probably be a tall girl, wears a lot of black. you know, a real mall goth type. ideally works in a hardware store, knows how to use power tools and can go crazy with an axe. also she has to be an alligator and also be named beatrice. i mean thats like, just a few things, i guess  
 **Beatrice:** Dang, I feel like I’ve met a girl like that before. I just can’t put my finger on where.  
 **W1tchDagg4h:** the mysterious gaytor continues to elude us.  
  
There’s a tense online silence for a few moments. Several times dots pop up, only to disappear with no following message.  
  
 **Beatrice:** So uh  
 **Beatrice:** What now. Are we like girlfriends, or something?  
 **Beatrice:** I’ve never exactly been the leader in this kind of thing so I don't know the process here.  
  
You quickly edit your profile.  
  
 **MaeBea:** I dont know you tell me  
 **Beatrice:** God. I feel like I have a truly terrifying amount of maybe puns in my future  
 **MaeBea:** ……. _Maebea…_


	11. Space Bonfire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mae and Bea vs. Unreality in the Dream Zone

“It’s been a while since we’ve been here, huh?” 

You and Bea are laying back, hand in hand, staring up at the sky. A bonfire is roaring at your feet. It feels kind of empty without Gregg and Angus here, if you’re being honest, but being alone with Bea is a whole big good thing too. 

“Yeah… I guess? I Don’t remember being here before?” 

“A year or two ago, remember? While I was still at college. We stared up at the sky looking at fake stars! it was super nice. Until I realized it was a dream and ruined everything.”

Bea turns too look at you. “This is just a dream?” 

You nod your head.

“Yeah, I think so. I mean. We’re just kinda floating here in space and I’ve had my whole shoe in this fire for 4 minutes and I haven’t burned alive yet, so yeah, definitely just a dream.”

Bea looks back up to the sky.

“Huh. Guess you’re right. So you’re just a Dream Mae? Have I just been talking to myself this whole time? God damnit.”

“Oh, no I’m the real person here. You’re the dream, I think.” 

“You think?”

“I’m like, 90% sure, yeah.” 

Bea shrugs.

“I guess it doesn’t matter. I mean. Who’s to say anyone’s ever been real? What if everything we’ve ever seen or known is wrong, and our brain is just feeding us information that is factually incorrect? We’d have no way of knowing.”

“Woah. That’s fucked up.”

“Yeah it would be pretty fucked, right?”

“Okay, I definitely think you’re real now. I never would’ve been able to fuck myself up like what you just did.”

“Well, I’m glad we figured that out.” 

The heatless fire continues to crackle in the void, stars swirling overhead, old lines drawn between still connecting. You wonder how many of these constellations are actually real and not just dumb bullshit you made up. You’re pretty sure Bea’s gator angel sign is a fake and probably also just representing some pretty gay feelings that laid dormant, waiting till you got home to strike. The whale’s real though, so that’s 1 to 1.

“Hey. You said you had this dream before, right?” 

Bea’s voice startles you, causing you to jump a bit. You almost forgot she was there.

“Yeah, back on longest night, a few months before I came home and found out basically the entire town shit the bed with a cosmic goat.” 

“But you said I was there? Was it a kid me or something?” 

“Nah, weirdly enough, it was you right now. Same clothes and everything. What’s weirder was Angus mentioned working at the video store, but as far as I knew he still worked at the party barn. Thinking back, there was a lot of weird shit going on with that dream actually, damn.” 

“Sounds like it.” 

Once again you both return to silence, neither of you being really good at keeping up small talk, but both of you not really minding too much. 

After a while, Bea asks, “What are those constellations up there about? I’m not really familiar with that stuff, but I don’t recognise most of these at all.” 

“Oh, Dream Angus pointed them all out and we talked about them and shared stories and stuff. They’re all pretty much bullshit, cause I don’t know anything about stars. Could be a bunch of burnt up trash floating in the sky for all I know.”

“I can assure you that stars are definitely  _ not _ made of garbage.” 

“Then what are they, miss star scientist?” 

“They’re, like, hydrogen and shit! They’re a whole bunch of stuff, I don’t know.” 

“Then why can’t they be a bunch of burnt tires?” 

“Unless god started a cosmic tire fire in his back yard, I’m sorry to tell you that they just aren’t.” 

“Eh. He’s probably too lazy to even do that. All he does is sit on a hill all day spewing cryptic crap, not even contributing to society.” 

“What a freeloader.”

“Yeah God really needs to get a job and start paying some of the bills around here.” 

“God sounds like such a shithead.” 

“Oh yeah, definitely he is. I’m finally ready to jump onboard with being goth and complaining in slam poetry about an uncaring god.” 

“Glad to see you finally joining the club.” 

“Or maybe I’ll just become emo instead.” 

“I’m going to kill you here so you die in real life.”


	12. Mae's Trash Hole

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bea vs. The Fact Her Girlfriend Is A Goblin Of Trash

With all the finesse of someone who’s taken the rigorous boating crucible of watching Deadliest Catch, you manage to park the Junebug next to a trash island, and in no way crashed it on said trash island. It was a strategic beaching, really.   
  
“Jeez Mae, we still need this thing to get home. How in the hell did you even convince Mr. Salvi to let you borrow it?”   
  
You look over to where Bea has just unbraced herself on the railing. “What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.” 

She shoots you a really nasty look. 

“I’m joking! I guess I just did a really good job bat flashing.” 

“Uh-huh.” 

“I wouldn’t steal a whole boat! I’m more of a minor league bandit.” 

“If I gotta jump in this nasty trash water ‘cause you got the cops on us, I’m gonna be really pissed.” 

“D’aww Beabea, you mean you aren’t gonna just pin it all on me?” 

“The idea is definitely looking more tempting.” 

You disembark the dinky motorboat and help Bea onto a patch of solid gunk. “It’s mostly solid, but you still gotta watch out for secret holes. Drop you right into the stink. Stink you up real good.” 

“Yeah, I’d like to avoid getting stinked up if possible.” 

You trudge along the refuse of a time long passed, gator in tow, every now and then pointing out some busted treasure or a pile of trash and slime that kinda looks like a wiener. You start to wonder how long Bea is gonna humor your adventure through the river of dump before questioning why you dragged her along, although considering who you are maybe she just thinks this is a date. Romantic dinner with a trash bag on trash island... Fuck, you should’ve done that. No- actually, eating in a pile of garbage is stupid, and the opposite of romantic. Good thing you talked through that dilemma in your brain before actually saying it. Your skill at assessing dumbed ass ideas inside before letting the world know has definitely improved. 

“Man we should, like, have a picnic out here.”

“Because truly,  _ nothing _ is more appetizing than a decade of trash mold.” 

“Y-yeah?” 

“No, Mae.” 

You were so close. 

“So I’ll bite. As much as I love spending my days slowly saturating my boots with trash water, I get the feeling that there’s more to this adventure.” 

Well she’s right, but it’s a surprise. 

“I mean, I  _ am _ pretty into old garbage and busted shit, so like, as far as things go, this is a pretty Mae core thing to do.” 

“Fair point.” 

“Aren’t you like, interested in all the history down here or something? There’s like, skeletons and shit, and bats. It’s pretty goth.” 

You watch Bea kick over an old dented can of... Brian’s Drink?  _ What the hell is Brian’s Drink?  _ Who’s Brian, and why did someone steal his drink? “Honestly, I think I’ve had my fill of skeletons. You see one you’ve seen em all.” 

“What if it was a skeleton with, like, a second tiny skeleton head though. That’d be effed up.”

“It sure would.” 

As you crest a particularly big pile of tunnel junk, you lay eyes on your true goal, the thing you knew Bea would truly appreciate. You’re such a baller girlfriend, honestly. If there was a trophy for being the ballerest girlfriend you’d be barred from participating for being just so unfairly baller. 

“So Bea, this may shock you, but I didn’t just bring you down here to dumpster dive.” 

Bea stands in mock agast-ery at the totally unexpected turn of events. 

“Alright, alright, you saw right through me, you jerk ass. If you’ll follow me, I’ll show you the True Garbage treasure.” 

Bea takes your outstretched hand as you help her up the pile. “Alright, but if it’s anything like the last ‘garbage treasure’ you showed me...” 

Your face goes red as you cringe in memory. “Ugh,  _ God,  _ I thought we agreed we’d just forget that I ever said those words in my life.”

Bea just shrugs, but you catch the tiniest hint of a (now trademarked) Bea Smirk . “I forgot.” 

Fighting back the urge to cringe until you pinch up inside yourself and become a black hole, you lead Bea over the last stretch of stench, and onto the solid ground of the trolley platform.

You raise a hand to the wall before you. “There it is!”

“It’s... a mural?” 

“Yeah! The other part of the one way back in town! Buried under here, with all the bats and skeletons and ghosts probably.” 

“Huh.” She walks up and puts a hand against it. 

“Yeah, after you went off about that one in the library I thought you’d like to see it. It’s like. All alone down here, forgotten. But now we’re here to remember it, to look at it and think, wow, that sure is a painting of a hill on this wall!” 

“It sure is one hell of a hill. It’s like a metaphor.” 

“Metaphor? About what?” 

“I don’t know, but it just feels like it’s a metaphor about something.”

“The transitory nature of life and the immortality of memory?” 

Bea turns and raises an eyelid at you. “Have you been reading my online journal again?” 

“I mostly just skim it for words like Mae or Ass.” 

“Why ass?” 

“Cause eff words are funny!”


	13. Vandalism Spree

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mae and bea vs. other people and their belongings.

“I can’t believe you talked me into this.”

A sickening _crack_ rings out as steel bat meets mailbox, breaking the post clear in two as Bea’s car speeds by.

“I know right? I didn’t think I had a chance in hell!” You say, readying your instrument of destruction once again, half hanging out the window and preparing to deliver death to the next trash can or mailbox that dares to look at you funny.

Bea grimaces. “I should just kick you out the window and go home and not get the cops called on me.”

_“Bea Bea Bea,_ for starters, it’s the middle of the night, by the time anyone calls the cops we’ll be long gone! _Two-”_

“Oh, this is an enumerated list now?”

“Yes, now _shhh!_ One is, the coppers will never catch us. Two is, like, the only cop I ever even see is Aunt Mallcop anyway, and like _she’d_ ever be able to bring us down even if she could catch us in her dinky car. And _three-”_ A trash can spills its stinky guts as you give it a permanent deformity. “Come on, you gotta admit this is fun as hell.”

Bea glares at you from the corner of her eye. “Maybe for you! All I’m doing is driving and stressing out about my inevitable jail time and who’s gonna post bail.”

You climb back fully into the car. “Do- Do _youuuuu_ wanna take a swing?”

“Oh yeah, I’ll just park in someone’s front yard and get out to beat the shit out of their shit! Make sure they get a good long look at who’s doing it.”

“I could drive!”

“Alright, now here’s _my_ list. One: No. Two: You can’t even drive. And Three: No.”

You cross your arms and pout. “Oh come _on,_ I’ve been practicing! Dad let me drive the car down the street! Besides, you already agreed to go mailbox bashing, what’s taking it one step further?”

Bea sighs, and puts on one hell of a scowl. But she also pulls over, and starts getting out of the car. “I can’t believe I’m doing this. I can’t believe I’m letting you do this.”

Wow... really? You were mostly just joking; you can’t believe she’d actually say yes (kind of!) “Uh Bea, are you okay? 'Cause you’re being like, super rad, and I’m concerned.”

“Clearly I’ve lost what bit of sanity I had left. Just- Just _please_ don’t crash it. Or if you do, make sure I go through the windshield and maybe land on a sharp fence post.”

You scramble over into the drivers seat. “I’m not gonna crash! I got this, I _totally_ got this.” To reaffirm how got this you have it, you shift into gear and immediately jerk the car forward.

Bea looks over at you with that scowl still holding strong. “You got this, huh?”

_“I got thissss.”_

After a rough start, you finally get the car running semi-competently, with only occasional jerking back onto the road. “Okay, okay. There’s Autumn Street. You ready for this?”

Bea grabs hold of the roof out the window. “No.” With that, she carefully pulls herself out the window, just enough to have swinging room.

“Alright here’s a good one. It’s decorated like a cat, see it?”

“Yeah, I see it.”

You speed the car up, practically hurdling it mailbox-ward. “Alright, _beat that pussy up!!!”_ You take your eyes off the road just long enough to see Bea’s rippling muscles send the bat gracefully swinging towards the box, almost in slow-mo. The bat collides and caves in the cat like an aluminum can.

_“Holy shit!”_ Bea yells.

You grin ear to ear. _“I know, right???”_

Bea pulls herself back in, staring, almost awestruck, at the bat. “Wow... that felt really good, but also I feel like an objectively terrible person.”

“That’s just your concern for other people and their belongings. You’ll get over it eventually.”

\---

You swing open the door of your house, only to be met with the unfortunate sight of the Mall Cop herself, standing in front of your dad.

“I've been up all night. I would’ve heard if the car was taken,” you overhear your dad say as you begin to pass through the hall. Oh, this is _so_ typical. A few trash cans and mail boxes get bashed in and _you're_ the first suspect.

Aunt Molly's eyes lock onto you before you can safely slip by. _Shit._ “Oh, _there_ you are, Mae. Had a fun night? Tell me, where were you this evening?”

Bea walks in behind you, arms behind her back. “She was with me.”

“O-oh, Beatrice!" Molly blinks, eyebrows raising. "I didn’t see you there.”

You can see her case basically crumble in her hands. Innocent sweet Beabea could never be turned to crime, _ever._ In your head you laugh maniacally. ...You didn’t do that out loud, did you? You scan the room, but it seems like that was actually just in your head like you thought.

Molly straightens herself, looking between you and your dad. “You two didn’t happen to see anything tonight? A couple of punks apparently went on a vandalism spree.”

“No ma’am!” You say, in your most perfectly innocent voice.

She eyes you suspiciously, but lets her incredibly unfair and unjustified bias go. “Well, if you see anything let me know. Sorry to bother you Stan, have a good night. And tell Candy I said Hi.”

“Will do. You have a good night too, Molly.”

You place one hand on your hip. “Don’t I get a goodnight too?”

She stares down at you. “Watch yourself, Mae.” Then, she walks right past you and out the door.

“...Jeez.”

Bea lets out a sigh of relief, and once your dad is out of earshot, she pulls the slightly dented bat from behind her back.

“See, I told you," you say, puffing your chest out. "She’d never catch us in a million years.”

From the TV, you can hear, with perfect timing and coincidence:

_“That’s a Woppah!”_


End file.
